If you have you ever lost a loved one, either recently or some time ago, or you want to prepare for the future, then you’ll find this very valuable since I want to talk about transitions today. They can indeed be very beautiful and transformative.
As you know me, I don’t believe in spiritual bypass. I’m not an advocate of covering your pain and sorrow with any kind of “light and spirit”. I will talk about deep human experience that will enrich your life in just every possible aspect.
I have recently lost my Mom. This is still very fresh for me and I believe that speaking about my journey will help you have a healing experience when it’s your turn.
Her transition story began two and half years ago when she outburst really heavily on me and my younger children. She has always been difficult towards close family members. Very sweet to the outside and bitterly cruel to the inside circle. This is hard and those of you who have a similar situation, know, how weird it is. You cannot even talk about it since they hardly believe you. “She is such a wonderful woman!”, I’ve heard so many times.
Yes, she was. In her own way.
So, after 30 years of abuse I’ve finally decided to say NO. I understood that she has psychological condition that needs treatment, like alcoholism. Like alcoholics would never admit they have a problem, so wouldn’t she. But I had to follow my heart and set a firm, solid boundary. This is was hard.
I had to NOT answer any phone call, any text, any email. I simply replied: “Mommy, I love you and I will speak to you as soon as you get professional help.”
Gosh, it sounds easy. But what I had to go through, was grieving the loss of my own Mother while she was still alive. It was hardest over Christmas. Everybody was invited by their Mother, not us. She was there, and I had to respect my boundary. If I didn’t, I knew she’ll go after us again. I was firm.
This was the period when F.E.E.L. really helped me. Every t
ime I felt despair and almost a flesh desire to give in, F.E.E.L. has brought me deeper. It brought me in touch with my sadness and the very real feeling of loss. Didn’t I know how to F.E.E.L., I would probably be depressed and in constant conflict with my children.
The deepest grieving was coming and going in waves and it lasted about 3 months around Christmas and then I started to feel a little lighter and happier again.
About 1 year after I’ve set a boundary I’ve got the news of her illness. Her condition got so bad that in the meantime she also divorced from my step father, wonderful, soft man and her 30 years husband and moved out of their beautiful house. She kept pressuring him about selling the house but for her own luck, there was no buyer.
He told me about her illness. I didn’t take it very seriously from the beginning but short after the news I’ve THE feeling. The same feeling I had when my beloved grandfather got slight fever and laid down to bed at the age of 87. He got better the next day and I dismissed my feeling. The next day we have found him peacefully sleeping for ever. I will never forget THE feeling since then.
So, I’ve got THE feeling about my Mom and I knew this is final. I didn’t tell anyone but I was aware this is beginning of my Journey, my final Journey with my Mom.
As I was listening to my heart and set a firm boundary, now my heart was telling me to speak to her again. I was gentle and compassionate, as much as I could. It was hard. I knew I had not allow her speak abusively to me and yet, be compassionate. This is actually a master combination.
At this point I began to understand her teaching.
She actually was teaching me how to step up for myself even or especially when someone abuses me. She was testing my last single little weak point. The moment I’ve fallen into a trap of being nice for the sake of being accepted and loved, she got me. She would say things that hurt me deeply so I had to protect myself. Excellent teacher.
I understood her Mothering role. She couldn’t let her her youngster go on her own without being firm and confident. She needed to teach me how to set firm boundaries and keep my heart open.
It was hard teaching. Probably hardest I have ever undertaken. But so valuable. She took her role seriously and would not give up for an inch.
On the physical level she was battling with her illness and she began to cure it naturally. First she fasted for 40 days and she got weaker and weaker. It didn’t help. She decided for chemo after that which she wasn’t tolerating well. She was so depleted after 6 months that she clearly announced: “I rather die then take another chemo treatment.”
As I said, I knew it anyway. I was observing the whole process and I knew, this is my chance to fully forgive, accept her as she is, accept her teaching and do my transformation.
My transformation accelerated with the progress of her illness. I felt every single cell of my body, screaming for release. Even my otherwise extremely healthy hair got weak and broken when her hair suffered from chemo. I could feel old patterns releasing from my system and it was sometimes at the edge of bearable.
Her ex-husband, my soft and sweet step father, never turned his back to her. He continued to support her in just every way, including financially. She moved back into their house and since that moment, he took care of her as she got weaker.
I experienced the peak moment of her last months and my liberation when I was away from my country for a month. I was in London during the summer with my daughter and at the Lunar Eclipse I decided to go all in. I meditated the whole afternoon in British Science Museum in the Egyptian wing. I did a ritual in the evening at home where I burned the old beliefs, written on a paper. I did the olive oil and salt whole body peeling and a long bath.
Next morning I noticed my daughter being extremely impatient with our bunnies. Not like her at all. I began to notice what is going on with me and then I – all of the sudden – felt the strong impulse. Coming from within. It was so strong that I had to sit down and god thanks, my 12 years old daughter was there for me.
Years of resentment and painful feelings started to literally burp out of me. The only thing I knew I had to do, was to F.E.E.L. No way to blame anyone. No way to go to story. Just allow my own feelings. There were many. Despair, pain, hatred, lots of hatred. It was physically painful as I cried it out. My whole body was shaking and releasing as I was naming the most painful events with my Mom. My girl was just repeating: “I can’t even imagine how painful it is to have a Mom behaving like this with you.” She was so compassionate. I understood it had to be her, since I just could not let go so deep when my boys are present. No way. With her, shame was bearable. Yes, shame, strong shame of having had those events in my life with my Mom. My body was convinced there is something very wrong with me and my soul was trying to soothe my pain.
After a whole package of handkerchiefs and maybe 1 hour of the outbreak I was finally free. I don’t recall such a strong F.E.E.L. process ever before.
I was empty and relieved. I knew I have just healed our history.
After that I was able to go to my Mom and answer her even most harsh words with compassion. I was able to invite her to feel her anger and resentment. She did a little and she was so grateful. I was able to connect with her and be there for her final months.
During her last 3 months she had some more attacks and one got me again, but a way less then earlier. I allowed myself to F.E.E.L., this was the only cure. Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night, placed my hand on my heart and F.E.E.L. (it is not always the heart you need to place your hand on, you need to find the spot in your body for every emotional pain separately, but with my Mom it was mainly heart). I felt sadness, humiliation and pure emotional pain … but thanks to F.E.E.L. it would last for a short time before I was relieved. The periods of pain were shorter and shorter and I was calmly approaching the day of her goodbye.
I’ve seen her for the last time about a week before she passed away. She was weak and could barely speak. She hasn’t eaten for about 2 weeks. She was still complaining about me and about her ex-husband who was taking loving care of her. I was just there, with all my love and I prayed. I prayed for her to see and to be able to accept the love she was surrounded by. When I left, she was almost asleep. I kissed her for the last time in our journey. I was so peaceful. I knew, she has done her job above excellent. She was such a devoted Mom. She just had this cruel job, so to speak. She had to teach me through unpleasant experiences.
On Saturday, December 2nd, telephone rang. It was her husband. I knew it.
I cried from my heart. I allowed it fully. No holding back. It lasted for half an hour or so and then I was clean. I was emotionally ready to continue my life.
The last two things happened before she was laid into the mother Earth.
First one happened when I went to say goodbye to her body few hours before she was cremated. I was there, she was in her coffin and I F.E.E.L. again. I felt through our life and there were some residuals of sadness but not much anymore. Then, all of the sudden, I felt the shift. I was literally transferred into new reality. I felt the totally new sense of connection with her, from the spiritual realm where she was at. This new feeling joined with all my earthly feelings and they together started to play a most beautiful symphony in my heart. I knew that transition and connection just happened and I was willing to nurture it for ever. At the very same moment light appeared above her face in the coffin. That was IT. This is an eternal soul connection.
I was OK to leave.
I decided to wear white for the funeral and to have a short speech for her and for everybody. I invited everybody to feel with me. To feel all the human feelings, to remember how they felt with her when she was still alive, I made them laugh and cry. I was emotional and so totally peaceful.
It was one of the most beautiful experiences a child can have when her Mother passes away. Yes it is possible. Since I have allowed to F.E.E.L. as much as needed in the process of her dying, I was ready when it happened. I was there for her, for myself and for everybody.
I am at peace now, enriched, stronger and more then ever convinced, that F.E.E.L. can help you in farewell process more then anything. It will help you heal, forgive, release, transform and connect.
Practice it and it will change your life. With all my love and trust in your success,